tampon"


How do you annoy an archaeologist?

give him a tampon and ask what period it came from,

from me the person who has been insulted for 4 years about his quiff!

__________________

Hi all,

Seek the 3 differences!

Site title is in dutch but you know what to do

Keep your eyes sharp because there ARE 3 differences!!!

[Only Registered and Activated Users Can See Links. Click Here To Register...]

Great but already posted by metallic or someone else....

__________________

Pregnant Panic"


A woman is pregnant for the first time and watching TV when her waters break. Her husband is out at the pub and she panics as all their plans can not be put into place.

In a complete horror she strides tot he phone and calls emergency. The oprerator answers "Emergency which service do you require?"

By now getting very Irate the woman announces "Ambulance!! I'm about to have my first baby, we had planned the route and everything, but my useless husband is out drinkign and my waters have broken!! If I don't...."

The operator calmly interrupted "Can you tell me where you are ringing from?"

The woman replied "My panties down to my ankles, I JUST TOLD YOU MY WATERS BROKE!"

__________________

7 Ways To Annoy At Christmas


1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting,
"Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."

2. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp
objects in it.

3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you
never get to join in on the reindeer games.

4. Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth..."

5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.

6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.

7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach
a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem:

'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop
All you get is the snowman's poop!'

__________________
Don't ask what the forum can do for you,
Ask yourself what you can do the forum.

Torturing Santa

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note
explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a
speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get
them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes
crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that
big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs
that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf
of bread on his way home.

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the
chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon
as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have
missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with
a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate
out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a
dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. "

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed.
When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say,
"Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes
and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with
barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure
to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got
a red nose!" and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map
with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to
get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a
distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's
in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act
like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then
say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

__________________
Don't ask what the forum can do for you,
Ask yourself what you can do the forum.

Diary Of A Snow Shoveler


December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

__________________
Don't ask what the forum can do for you,
Ask yourself what you can do the forum.

DEAR DIARY

AUG 12 Moved to our new home in upstate New York. It is so beautiful
here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with
snow on them. I love it here.

OCT 14 Upstate New York is the most beautiful place on earth. The
leaves are turning all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went
for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so
graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This
must be paradise. I love it here.

NOV 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to
kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

DEC 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed
with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow
off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I
won), and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel again. What a
beautiful place. I love upstate New York.

DEC 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick
again to the driveway. I love it here!

DEC 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get
to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Damn snow plow.

DEC 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on
my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around the curve
and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole!

DEC 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggin snow. If I ever get my
hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snow plow, I swear I'll
kill him. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to
melt the fucking ice.

DEC 27 More white shit last night. Been inside for 3 days except for
shoveling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through every
time. Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white shit. The
weatherman says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight. Do you
know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?

DEC 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white
shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before next summer. The snow plow
got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to
borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already
shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one
over his fucking head.

JAN 4 Finally out of the house today. Went to the store to get food
and on the way back a fucking deer ran in front of the car and I hit
it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be
killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing
is rusting out from that fucking salt they put all over the road.

MAY 10 Moved to Georgia. I can't imagine why anyone in their right
mind would want to live in that God-forsaken state of New York.

__________________
Don't ask what the forum can do for you,
Ask yourself what you can do the forum.

Why Christmas Trees Are Better Than Women


10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have
had in the past.
9. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the
closet.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
6. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
4. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb
and have it hauled away.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
2. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

And the # ONE reason Christmas Trees are better than women

1. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the
back of your pickup truck.

__________________
Don't ask what the forum can do for you,
Ask yourself what you can do the forum.

Now Christmas is nearly here.
I am going to post all my best Christmas jokes here.
Hope u guys will enjoy it.
Happy Christmas

__________________
Don't ask what the forum can do for you,
Ask yourself what you can do the forum.